ACT. IIII. SCENE. I.
TROVBLE-ALL. BRISTLE. HAGGISE, COKES. IVSTICE. POCHER, BVSY. PVRECRAFT.
MY Masters, I doe make no doubt, but you are officers.
TRO.
And the Kings louing, and obedient subiects.
BRI.
Obedient, friend? take heede what you speake, I aduise you: Oliuer Bristle aduises you. His louing subiects, we grant you: but not his obedient, at this time,
by your leaue, wee know our selues, a little better then so, wee are to command, Sr.
and such as you are to be obedient. Here's one of his obedient subiects, going to
the stocks, and wee'll make you such another, if you talke.
TRO.
You are all wise enough i'your places, I know.
BRI.
If you know it, Sir, why doe you bring it in question?
TRO.
I question nothing, pardon me. I do only hope you haue warrant, for what you doe,
and so, quit you, and so, multiply you.
HAG.
What's hee? bring him vp to the stocks there. Why bring you him not vp?
He goes away againe.
TRO.
comes again. If you haue Iustice Ouerdoo's warrant, 'tis well: you are safe; that is the warrant of warrants. I'le not giue
this button, for any mans warrant else.
BRI.
goes away. Like enough, Sir, but let me tell you, an' you play away your buttons, thus, you will
want 'hem ere night, for any store I see about you: you might keepe 'hem, and saue
pinnes, I wusse.
IVS.
What should hee be, that doth so esteeme, and aduance my warrant? he seemes a sober
and discreet person! it is a comfort to a good conscience, to be follow'd with a good
fame, in his sufferings. The world will haue a pretty tast by this, how I can beare
aduersity: and it will beget a kind of reuerence, toward me, hereafter, euen from
mine enemies, when they shall see I carry my calamity nobly, and that it doth neither
breake mee, nor bend mee.
HAG.
Come, Sir, heere's a place for you to preach in. Will you put in your legge?
They put him in the stocks.
IVS.
That I will, cheerefully.
BRI.
O'my conscience a Seminary! hee kisses the stockes.
COK.
Well my Masters, I'le leaue him with you; now I see him bestow'd, I'le goe looke for
my goods, and Numps.
HAG.
You may, Sir, I warrant you; where's the tother Bawler? fetch him too, you shall find
'hem both fast enough.
IVS.
In the mid'st of this tumult, I will yet be the Author of mine owne rest, and not minding their fury, sit in the stockes, in that calme,
as shall be able to trouble a Triumph.
TRO.
comes again, Doe you assure me vpon your words? may I vndertake for you, if I be ask'd the question;
that you haue this warrant?
HAG.
What's this fellow, for Gods sake?
TRO.
goes out. Doe but shew me Adam Ouerdoo, and I am satisfied.
BRI.
Hee is a fellow that is distracted, they say; one Trouble-all. hee was an officer in the Court of Pie-poulders, here last yeere, and put out on his place by Iustice Ouerdoo.
BRI.
Vpon which, he tooke an idle conceipt, and's runne mad vpon't. So that euer since,
hee will doe nothing, but by Iustice Ouerdoo's warrant, he will not eate a crust, nor drinke a little, nor make him in his apparell,
ready. His wife, Sirreuerence, cannot get him make his water, or shift his shirt,
without his warrant.
IVS.
If this be true, this is my greatest disaster! how am I bound to satisfie this poore
man, that is of so good a nature to mee, out of his wits! where there is no roome
left for dissembling.
comes in.
TRO.
If you cannot shew me Adam Ouerdoo, I am in doubt of you: I am afraid you cannot answere it.
HAG.
goes againe. Before me, Neighbour Bristle (and now I thinke on't better) Iustice Ouerdoo, is a very parantory person.
BRI.
O! are you aduis'd of that? and a seuere Iusticer, by your leaue.
IVS.
Doe I heare ill o'that side, too?
BRI.
He will sit as vpright o'the bench, an' you marke him, as a candle i'the socket, and
giue light to the whole Court in euery businesse.
HAG.
But he will burne blew, and swell like a bile (God blesse vs) an' he be angry.
BRI..
I, and hee will be angry too, when his list, that's more: and when hee is angry, be
it right or wrong; hee has the Law on's side, euer. I marke that too.
IVS.
I will be more tender hereafter. I see compassion may become a Iustice, though it be a weaknesse, I confesse; and neerer a vice, then a vertue.
HAG.
Well, take him out o' the stocks againe, wee'll goe a sure way to worke, wee'll ha'
the Ace of hearts of our side, if we can.
They take the Iustice out.
POC.
Come, bring him away to his fellow, there. Master Busy, we shall rule your legges, I hope, though wee cannot rule your tongue.
BVS.
No, Minister of darkenesse, no, thou canst not rule my tongue, my tongue it is mine
own; and with it I will both knocke and mocke downe your Bartholmew abhominations, till you be made a hissing to the neighbour Parishes, round about.
HAG.
Let him alone, we haue deuis'd better vpon't.
PVR.
And shall he not into the stocks then?
BRI.
No, Mistresse, wee'll haue 'hem both to Iustice Ouerdoo, and let him doe ouer 'hem as is fitting. Then I, and my gossip Haggis, and my beadle Pocher are discharg'd.
PVR.
O, I thanke you, blessed, honest men!
BRI.
Nay, neuer thank vs, but thank this mad-man that comes heere, hee put it in our heads.
PVR.
Comes againe. Is hee mad? Now heauen increase his madnesse, and blesse it, and thanke it, Sir, your poore hand-maide thanks
you.
TRO.
Haue you a warrant? an' you haue a warrant, shew it.
PVR.
Yes, I haue a warrant out of the word, to giue thankes for remouing any scorne intended
to the brethren.
TRO.
It is Iustice Ouerdoo's warrant, that I looke for, if you haue not that, keepe your word, I'le keepe mine.
Quit yee, and multiply yee.
ACT. IIII. SCENE. II.
EDGVVORTH. TROVBLE-ALL. NIGHTINGALE. COKES. COSTARDMONGER.
COme away Nightingale, I pray thee.
TRO.
Whither goe you? where's your warrant?
EDG.
Warrant, for what, Sir?
TRO.
Goes out. For what you goe about, you know how fit it is, an' you haue no warrant, blesse you,
I'le pray for you, that's all I can doe.
NIG.
A mad-man that haunts the Fayre, doe you not know him? it's maruell hee has not more followers, after his ragged
heeles.
EDG.
Beshrew him, he startled me: I thought he had knowne of our plot. Guilt's a terrible
thing! ha' you prepar'd the Costard-monger?
NIG.
Yes, and agreed for his basket of peares; hee is at the corner here, ready. And your
Prise, he comes downe, sailing, that way, all alone; without his Protector: hee is
rid of him, it seemes.
EDG.
Nightingale whistles I, I know; I should ha' follow'd his Protector-ship for a feat I am to doe vpon him:
But this offer'd it selfe, so i'the way, I could not let it scape: heere he comes,
whistle, be this sport call'd Dorring the Dottrell.
COK.
By this light, I cannot finde my ginger-bread-Wife, nor my Hobby-horse-man in all
the Fayre, now; to ha' my money againe. And I do not know the way out on't, to go home for
more, doe you heare, friend, you that whistle; what tune is that, you whistle?
NIG.
A new tune, I am practising, Sir.
COK.
Dost thou know where I dwell, I pray thee? nay, on with thy tune, I ha' no such hast,
for an answer: I'le practise with thee.
Nightingale sets his foote afore him, and he falls with his basket.
COS.
Buy any peares, very fine peares, peares fine.
COK.
Gods so! a musse, a musse, a musse, a musse.
COS.
Good Gentleman, my ware, my ware, I am a poore man. Good Sir, my ware.
NIG.
Let me hold your sword, Sir, it troubles you.
Cokes falls a scrambling whilest they runne away with his things.
COK.
Doe, and my cloake, an'thou wilt; and my hat, too.
EDG.
A delicate great boy! me thinks, he out-scrambles 'hem all. I cannot perswade my selfe,
but he goes to grammer-schole yet; and playes the trewant, to day.
NIG.
Would he had another purse to cut, Zekiel.
EDG.
Purse? a man might cut out his kidneys, I thinke; and he neuer feele 'hem, he is so
earnest at the sport.
NIG.
His soule is halfe way out on's body, at the game.
EDG.
Away, Nightingale: that way.
COK.
I thinke I am furnish'd for Catherne peares, for one vnder-meale: gi'me my cloake.
COS.
Good Gentleman, giue me my ware.
COK.
He runs out. Where's the fellow, I ga' my cloake to? my cloake? and my hat? ha! Gods'lid, is he
gone? thieues, thieues, helpe me to cry, Gentlemen.
EDG.
Away, Costermonger, come to vs to Vrsla's. Talke of him to haue a soule? 'heart, if hee haue any more then a thing giuen him
in stead of salt, onely to keepe him from stinking, I'le be hang'd afore my time,
presently, where should it be trow? in his blood; hee has not so much to'ard it in
his whole body, as will maintaine a good Flea; And if hee take this course, he will
not ha' so much land left, as to reare a Calfe within this twelue month. Was there
euer greene Plouer so pull'd! That his little Ouerseer had beene heere now, and beene
but tall enough, to see him steale peares, in exchange, for his beauer-hat, and his
cloake thus? I must goe finde him out, next, for his blacke boxe, and his Patent (it
seemes) hee has of his place; which I thinke the Gentleman would haue a reuersion
of; that spoke to me for it so earnestly.
COK.
He comes againe. Would I might lose my doublet, and hose, too; as I am an honest man, and neuer stirre,
if I thinke there be any thing, but thieuing, and cooz'ning, i'this whole Fayre, Bartholmew-fayre, quoth he; an' euer any Bartholmew had that lucke in't, that I haue had, I'le be martyr'd for him,
throws away his peares. and in Smithfield, too. I ha' paid for my peares, a rot on 'hem, I'le keepe 'hem no longer; you were
choake-peares to mee; I had bin better ha'gone to mum chance for you, I wusse. Me
thinks the Fayre should not haue vs'd me thus, and 'twere but for my names sake, I would not ha' vs'd
a dog o'the name, so. O, Numps will triumph, now! Friend, doe you know who I am? or where I lye? I doe not my selfe,
I'll besworne. Doe but carry me home, and I'le please thee, I ha' money enough there,
I ha' lost my selfe, and my cloake and my hat; and my fine sword, and my sister, and
Numps, and Mistris Grace, (a Gentlewoman that I should ha' marryed) and a cut-worke handkercher, shee ga'
mee, and two purses to day. And my bargaine o'Hobby-horses and Ginger-bread, which
grieues me worst of all.
TRO.
By whose warrant, Sir, haue you done all this?
Trouble-all comes again.
COK.
Warrant? thou art a wise fellow, indeed, as if a man need a warrant to lose any thing,
with.
TRO.
Yes, Iustice Ouerdo's warrant, a man may get, and lose with, I'le stand to't.
COK.
Iustice Ouerdoo? Dost thou know him? I lye there, hee is my brother in Law, hee marryed my sister:
pray thee shew me the way, dost thou know the house?
TRO.
Sir, shew mee your warrant, I know nothing without a warrant, pardon me.
COK.
Why, I warrant thee, come along: thou shalt see, I haue wrought pillowes there, and
cambricke sheetes, and sweete bags, too. Pray thee guide me to the house.
TRO.
Sir, I'le tell you; goe you thither your selfe, first, alone; tell your worshipfull
brother your minde: and but bring me three lines of his hand, or his Clerkes, with
Adam Ouerdoo, vnderneath; here I'le stay you, Ile obey you, and I'le guide you presently.
COK.
S'lid, this is an Asse, I ha' found him, poxe vpon mee, what doe I talking to such
a dull foole; farewell, you are a very Coxcomb, doe you heare?
TRO.
I thinke, I am, if Iustice Ouerdoo signe to it, I am, and so wee are all, hee'll quit vs all, multiply vs all.
ACT. IIII. SCENE. IIJ.
GRACE. QVARLOVS. WIN-WIFE.
They enter with their swords drawne.TROVBLE-ALL. EDGVVORTH.
GEntlemen, this is no way that you take: you do but breed one another trouble, and
offence, and giue me no contentment at all. I am no she, that affects to be quarell'd
for, or haue my name or fortune made the question of mens swords.
QVA.
S'lood, wee loue you.
GRA.
If you both loue mee, as you pretend, your owne reason will tell you, but one can
enioy me; and to that point, there leads a directer line, then by my infamy, which
must follow, if you fight. 'Tis true, I haue profest it to you ingenuously, that rather
then to be yoak'd with this Bridegroome is appointed me, I would take vp any husband,
almost vpon any trust. Though Subtilty would say to me, (I know) hee is a foole, and
has an estate, and I might gouerne him, and enioy a friend, beside. But these are
not my aymes, I must haue a husband I must loue, or I cannot liue with him. I shall
ill make one of these politique wiues!
WIN-W.
Why, if you can like either of vs, Lady, say, which is he, and the other shall sweare
instantly to desist.
QVA.
Content, I accord to that willingly.
GRA.
Sure you thinke me a woman of an extreme leuity, Gentlemen, or a strange fancy, that
(meeting you by chance in such a place, as this, both at one instant, and not yet
of two hours acquaintance, neither of you deseruing afore the other, of me) I should
so forsake my modesty (though I might affect one more particularly) as to say, This
is he, and name him.
QVA.
Why, wherefore should you not? What should hinder you?
GRA.
If you would not giue it to my modesty, allow it yet to my wit; giue me so much of
woman, and cunning, as not to betray my selfe impertinently. How can I iudge of you,
so farre as to a choyse, without knowing you more? you are both equall, and alike
to mee, yet: and so indifferently affected by mee, as each of you might be the man,
if the other were away. For you are reasonable creatures, you haue vnderstanding,
and discourse. And if fate send me an vnderstanding husband, I haue no feare at all,
but mine owne manners shall make him a good one.
QVAR.
Would I were put forth to making for you, then.
GRA.
It may be you are, you know not what's toward you: will you consent to a motion of
mine, Gentlemen?
WINW.
What euer it be, we'll presume reasonablenesse, comming from you.
GRA.
I saw one of you buy a paire of tables, e'en now.
WIN-W.
Yes, heere they be, and maiden ones too, vnwritten in.
GRA.
The fitter for what they may be imployed in. You shall write either of you, heere,
a word, or a name, what you like best; but of two, or three syllables at most: and
the next person that comes this way (because Destiny has a high hand in businesse of this nature) I'le demand, which of the two words,
he, or she doth approue; and according to that sentence, fixe my resolution, and affection,
without change.
QVAR.
Agreed, my word is conceiued already.
WIN-W.
And mine shall not be long creating after.
GRA.
But you shall promise, Gentlemen, not to be curious to know, which of you it is, taken;
but giue me leaue to conceale that till you haue brought me, either home, or where
I may safely tender my selfe.
WIN-W
Why that's but equall.
GRA.
Because I will bind both your indeauours to work together, friendly, and ioyntly,
each to the others fortune, and haue my selfe fitted with some meanes, to make him
that is forsaken, a part of amends.
QVAR.
These conditions are very curteous. Well my word is out of the Arcadia, then: Argalus.
WIN-W.
And mine out of the play, Palemon.
TRO.
Haue you any warrant for this, Gentlemen?
Trouble-all comes again.
TRO.
There must be a warrant had, beleeue it.
TRO.
For whatsoeuer it is, any thing indeede, no matter what.
QVA.
S'light, here's a fine ragged Prophet, dropt downe 'ithe nicke!
TRO.
Heauen quit you, Gentlemen.
QVA.
Nay, stay a little, good Lady, put him to the question.
GRA.
You are content, then?
GRA.
Sir, heere are two names written —
TRO.
Is Iudice Ouerdoo, one?
GRA.
How, Sir? I pray you read 'hem to your selfe, it is for a wager betweene these Gentlemen,
and with a stroake or any difference, marke which you approue best.
TRO.
They may be both worshipfull names for ought I know, Mistresse, but Adam Ouerdoo had beene worth three of 'hem, I assure you, in this place, that's in plaine english.
GRA.
This man amazes mee! I pray you, like one of 'hem, Sir.
TRO.
I doe like him there, that has the best warrant, Mistresse, to saue your longing,
and (multiply him) It may be this. But I am I still for Iustice Ouerdoo, that's my conscience. And quit you.
GRA.
I, and strangely, as euer I saw! What fellow is this trow?
QVA.
No matter what, a Fortune-teller wee ha' made him. Which is't, which is't.
GRA.
Nay, did you not promise, not to enquire?
QVA.
S'lid, I forgot that, pray you pardon mee. Looke, here's our Mercury come: The Licence arriues i'the finest time, too! 'tis but scraping out Cokes his name, and 'tis done.
WIN-W.
How now lime-twig? hast thou touch'd.
EDG.
Not yet, Sir, except you would goe with mee, and see't, it's not worth speaking on.
The act is nothing, without a witnesse. Yonder he is, your man with the boxe falne
into the finest company, and so transported with vapours, they ha' got in a Northren
Clothier, and one Puppy, a Westerne man, that's come to wrastle before my Lord Maior, anone, and Captaine Whit, and one Val Cutting, that helpes Captaine Iordan to roare, a circling boy: with whom your Numps, is so taken, that you may strip him of his cloathes, if you will. I'le vndertake
to geld him for you; if you had but a Surgeon, ready, to feare him. And Mistresse
Iustice, there, is the goodest woman! shee do's so loue 'hem all ouer, in termes of Iustice,
and the Stile of authority, with her hood vpright — that I beseech you come away Gentlemen,
and see't.
QVAR.
S'light, I would not lose it for the Fayre, what'll you doe, Ned?
WIN-W.
Why, stay heere about for you, Mistresse Welborne must not be seene.
QVA.
Doe so, and find out a Priest i'the meane time, I'le bring the License. Lead, which
way is't?
EDG.
Here, Sir, you are o'the backeside o'the Booth already, you may heare the noise.
ACT. IIIJ. SCENE. IV.
KNOCKHVM. NORDERN. PVPPY. CVTTING. WHIT. EDGVVORTH. QVARLOVS. OVERDOO. WASPE. BRISTLE.
WHit, bid Vall Cutting continue the vapours for a lift, Whit, for a lift.
NOR.
Il'e ne mare, Il'e ne mare, the eale's too meeghty.
KNO.
How now! my Galloway Nag, the staggers? ha! Whit, gi'him a slit i'the fore-head. Cheare vp, man, a needle, and threed to stitch his
eares. I'ld cure him now an'I had it, with a little butter, and garlike, long-pepper,
and graines. Where's my horne? I'le gi'him a mash, presently, shall take away this
dizzinesse.
PVP.
Why, where are you zurs? doe you flinch, and leaue vs i'the zuds, now?
NOR.
I'le ne mare, I'is e'en as full as a paper bag, by my troth, I.
PVP.
Doe my Northerne cloth shrinke i'the wetting? ha?
KNO.
Why, well said, old Flea-bitten, thou'lt neuer tyre, I see.
CVT.
No, Sir, but he may tire, if it please him.
They fall to their vapours, againe.
WHI.
Who told dee sho? that he vuld neuer teer, man?
CVT.
No matter who told him so, so long as he knowes.
KNO.
Nay, I know nothing, Sir, pardon me there.
EDG.
They are at it stil, Sir, this they call vapours.
WHI.
He shall not pardon dee, Captaine, dou shalt not be pardon'd. Pre'de shweete heart
doe not pardon him.
CVT.
S'light, I'le pardon him, an'I list, whosoeuer saies nay to't.
QVAR.
Where's Numps? I misse him.
Here they continue their game of vapours, which is non sense. Euery man to oppose the last man that spake: whether it concern'd him, or no.
WAS.
Why, I say nay to't.
KNO.
To what doe you say nay, Sir?
WAS.
To any thing, whatsoeuer it is, so long as I do not like it.
WHI.
Pardon me, little man, dou musht like it a little.
CVT.
No, hee must not like it at all, Sir, there you are i'the wrong.
WHI.
I tinke I be, he musht not like it, indeede.
CVT.
Nay, then he both must, and will like it, Sir, for all you.
KNO.
If he haue reason, he may like it, Sir.
WHI.
By no meansh Captaine, vpon reason, he may like nothing vpon reason.
WAS.
I haue no reason, nor I will heare of no reason, nor I will looke for no reason, and
he is an Asse, that either knowes any, or lookes for't from me.
CVT.
Yes, in some sense you may haue reason, Sir.
WAS.
I, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.
WHI.
Pardon mee, thou ougsht to grant him nothing, in no shensh, if dou doe loue dy shelfe,
angry man.
WAS.
Why then, I doe grant him nothing; and I haue no sense.
CVT.
'Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.
WAS.
S'lid, but I haue sense, now I thinke on't better, and I will grant him any thing,
doe you see?
KNO.
He is i'the right, and do's vtter a sufficient vapour.
CVT.
Nay, it is no sufficient vapour, neither, I deny that.
KNO.
Then it is a sweet vapour.
CVT.
It may be a sweet vapour.
WAS.
Nay, it is no sweet vapour, neither, Sir, it stinkes, and I'le stand to't.
WHI.
Yes, I tinke it dosh shtinke, Captaine. All vapour dosh shtinke.
WAS.
Nay, then it do's not stinke, Sir, and it shall not stinke.
CVT.
By your leaue, it may, Sir.
WAS.
I, by my leaue, it may stinke, I know that.
WHI.
Pardon me, thou knowesht nothing, it cannot by thy leaue, angry man.
KNO.
Nay, neuer question him, for he is i'the right.
WHI.
Yesh, I am i'de right, I confesh it, so ish de little man too.
WAS.
I'le haue nothing confest, that concernes mee. I am not i'the right, nor neuer was
i'the right, nor neuer will be i'the right, while I am in my right minde,
CVT.
They drinke againe. Minde? why, heere's no man mindes you, Sir, nor any thing else.
PVP.
Friend, will you mind this that wee doe?
QVA.
Call you this vapours? this is such beltching of quarrell, as I neuer heard. Will
you minde your businesse, Sir?
NOR.
I'le ne maire, my waimb warkes too mickle with this anready.
EDG.
Will you take that, Master Waspe, that no body should minde you?
WAS.
Why? what ha' you to doe? is't any matter to you?
EDG.
No, but me thinks you should not be vnminded, though,
WAS.
Nor, I wu'not be, now I thinke on't, doe you heare, new acquaintance, do's no man
mind me, say you?
CVT.
Yes, Sir, euery man heere mindes you, but how?
WAS.
Nay, I care as little how, as you doe, that was not my question.
WHI.
No, noting was ty question, tou art a learned man, and I am a valiant man, i'faith
la, tou shalt speake for mee, and I vill fight for tee.
KNO.
Fight for him, Whit? A grosse vapour, hee can fight for himselfe.
WAS.
It may be I can, but it may be, I wu' not, how then?
CVT.
Why, then you may chuse.
WAS.
Why, and I'le chuse whether I'le chuse or no.
KNO.
I thinke you may, and 'tis true; and I allow it for a resolute vapour.
WAS.
Nay, then, I doe thinke you doe not thinke, and it is no resolute vapour.
CVT.
Yes, in some sort he may allow you.
KNO.
In no sort, Sir, pardon me, I can allow him nothing. You mistake the vapour.
WAS.
He mistakes nothing, Sir, in no sort.
WHI.
Yes, I pre dee now, let him mistake.
WAS.
A turd i'your teeth, neuer pre dee mee, for I will haue nothing mistaken.
KNO.
Turd, ha turd? a noysome vapour, strike Whit.
They fall by the cares.
OVE.
Why, Gentlemen, why Gentlemen, I charge you vpon my authority, conserue the peace.
In the Kings name, and my Husbands, put vp your weapons, I shall be driuen to commit
you my selfe, else.
WAS.
Why doe you laugh, Sir?
QVA.
Sir, you'll allow mee my christian liberty. I may laugh, I hope.
CVT.
In some sort you may, and in some sort you may not, Sir.
KNO.
Nay in some sort, Sir, hee may neither laugh, nor hope, in this company.
WAS.
Yes, then he may both laugh, and hope in any sort, an't please him.
QVA.
Faith, and I will then, for it doth please mee exceedingly.
WAS.
No exceeding neither, Sir.
KNO.
No, that vapour is too lofty.
QVA.
Gentlemen, I doe not play well at your game of vapours, I am not very good at it,
but —
CVT.
Doe you heare, Sir? I would speake with you in circle?
Hee drawes a circle on the ground.
QVA.
In circle, Sir? what would you with me in circle?
CVT.
Can you lend me a Piece, a Iacobus? in circle?
QVA.
S'lid, your circle will proue more costly then your vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend
you none.
CVT.
Your beard's not well turn'd vp, Sir.
QVA.
How Rascall? are you playing with my beard? I'le breake circle with you.
They draw all, and fight.
PVP. NOR.
Gentlemen, Gentlemen!
KNO.
Gather vp, Whit, gather vp, Whit, good vapours.
OVE.
What meane you? are you Rebells? Gentlemen? shall I send out a Serieant at Armes, or a Writ o'Rebellion, against you? I'le commit you vpon my woman-hood, for a Riot,
vpon my Iustice-hood, if you persist.
WAS.
Vpon your Iustice-hood? Mary shite o'your hood, you'll commit? Spoke like a true Iustice
of peace's wife, indeed, and a fine female Lawyer! turd i'your teeth for a fee, now.
OVER.
Why, Numps, in Master Ouerdoo's name, I charge you.
WAS.
Good Mistresse Vnderdoo hold your tongue.
WAS.
Alas! and why alas from you, I beseech you? or why poore Numps, goody Rich? am I come to be pittied by your tuft taffata now? why Mistresse, I knew Adam, the Clerke, your husband, when he was Adam Scriuener, and writ for two pence a sheet, as high as he beares his head now, or
you your hood, Dame. What are you, Sir?
The watch comes in.
BRI.
Wee be men, and no Infidells; what is the matter, here, and the noyses? can you tell?
WAS.
Heart, what ha' you to doe? cannot a man quarrell in quietnesse? but hee must be put
out on't by you? what are you?
BRI.
Why, wee be his Maiesties Watch, Sir.
WAS.
Watch? S'blood, you are a sweet watch, indeede. A body would thinke, and you watch'd
well a nights, you should be contented to sleepe at this time a day. Get you to your
fleas, and your flocke-beds, you Rogues, your kennells, and lye downe close.
BRI.
Downe? yes, we will downe, I warrant you, downe with him in his Maiesties name, downe,
downe with him, and carry him away, to the pigeon-holes.
OVE.
I thanke you honest friends, in the behalfe o'the Crowne, and the peace, and in Master
Ouerdoo's name, for suppressing enormities.
WHI.
Stay, Bristle, heere ish a noder brash o'drunkards, but very quiet, speciall drunkards, will pay
dee, fiue shillings very well. Take 'hem to dee, in de graish o' God: one of hem do's
change cloth, for Ale in the Fayre, here, te toder ish a strong man, a mighty man, my Lord Mayors man, and a wrastler.
Hee has wrashled so long with the bottle, heere, that the man with the beard, hash
almosht streeke vp hish heelsh.
BRI.
S'lid, the Clerke o'the Market, has beene to cry him all the Fayre ouer, here, for my Lords seruice.
WHI.
Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh, and make ty best on him. How now woman o' shilke,
vat ailsh ty shweet faish? art tou melancholy?
OVE.
A little distemper'd with these enormities; shall I intreat a curtesie of you, Captaine?
WHI.
Intreat a hundred, veluet voman, I vill doe it, shpeake out.
OVE.
I cannot with modesty speake it out, but —
WHI.
I vill doe it, and more, and more, for dee. What Vrsla, and't be bitch, and't be baud and't be!
VRS.
How now Rascall? what roare you for? old Pimpe.
WHI.
Heere, put vp de cloakes Vrsh; de purchase, pre dee now, shweet Vrsh, help dis good braue voman, to a Iordan, and't be.
VRS.
S'lid call your Captaine Iordan to her, can you not?
WHI.
Nay, pre dee leaue dy consheits, and bring the veluet woman to de —
VRS.
I bring her, hang her: heart must I find a common pot for euery punque i'your purlews?
WHI.
O good voordsh, Vrsh, it ish a guest o'veluet, i'fait la.
VRS.
Let her sell her hood, and buy a spunge, with a poxe to her, my vessell, employed
Sir. I haue but one, and 'tis the bottome of an old bottle. An honest Proctor, and
his wife, are at it, within, if shee'll stay her time, so.
WHI.
As soone ash tou cansht shwet Vrsh. Of a valiant man I tinke I am the patientsh man i'the world, or in all Smithfield.
KNO.
How now Whit? close vapours, stealing your leaps? couering in corners, ha?
WHI.
No fait, Captaine, dough tou beesht a vishe man, dy vit is a mile hence, now. I vas
procuring a shmall courtesie, for a woman of fashion here.
OVE.
Yes, Captaine, though I am Iustice of peace's wife, I doe loue Men of warre, and the
Sonnes of the sword, when they come before my husband.
KNO.
Say'st thou so Filly? thou shalt haue a leape presently, I'le horse thee my selfe,
else.
VRS.
Come, will you bring her in now? and let her talke her turne?
WHI.
Gramercy good Vrsh, I tanke dee.
OVER.
Master Ouerdoo shall thanke her.
ACT. IIII. SCENE. V.
IOHN. WIN. VRSLA. KNOCKHVM. WHIT. OVERDOO. ALES.
Good Ga'mere Vrs; Win, and I, are exceedingly beholden to you, and to Captaine Iordan, and Captaine Whit. Win, I'le be bold to leaue you, i'this good company, Win: for halfe an houre, or so Win, while I goe, and see how my matter goes forward, and if the Puppets be perfect:
and then I'le come & fetch you, Win.
WIN.
Will you leaue me alone with two men, Iohn?
IOH.
I, they are honest Gentlmen Win, Captaine Iordan, and Captaine Whit, they'll vse you very ciuilly, Win, God b'w'you, Win.
VRS.
What's her husband gone?
KNO.
On his false, gallop, Vrs, away.
VRS.
An' you be right Bartholmew-birds, now shew your selues so: we are vndone for want
of fowle i'the Fayre, here. Here will be Zekiell Edgworth, and three or foure gallants, with him at night, and I ha' neither Plouer nor Quaile
for 'hem: perswade this betweene you two, to become a Bird o'the game, while I worke
the veluet woman, within, (as you call her.)
KNO.
I conceiue thee, Vrs! goe thy waies, doest thou heare, Whit? is't not pitty, my delicate darke chestnut here; with the fine leane head, large
fore-head, round eyes, euen mouth, sharpe eares, long necke, thinne crest, close withers,
plaine backe, deepe sides, short fillets, and full flankes: with a round belly, a
plumpe but tocke, large thighes, knit knees, streight legges, short pasternes, smooth
hoofes, and short heeles; should lead a dull honest womans life, that might liue the
life of a Lady?
WHI.
Yes, by my fait, and trot, it is, Captaine: de honesht womans life is a scuruy dull
life, indeed, la.
WIN.
How, Sir? is an honest womans life a scuruy life?
WHI.
Yes fait, shweet heart, beleeue him, de leefe of a Bond. woman! but if dou vilt harken
to me, I vill make tee a free-woman, and a Lady: dou shalt liue like a Lady, as te
Captaine saish.
KNO.
I, and be honest too sometimes: haue her wiers, and her tires, her greene gownes,
and veluet petticoates.
WHI.
I, and ride to Ware and Rumford i'dy Coash, shee de Players, be in loue vit 'hem; sup vit gallantsh, be drunke, and
cost de noting.
WHI.
And lye by twenty on'hem, if dou pleash shweet heart.
WIN.
What, and be honest still, that were fine sport.
WHI.
Tish common, shweet heart, tou may'st doe it by my hand: it shall be iustified to
ty husbands faish, now: tou shalt be as honesht as the skinne betweene his hornsh,
la!
KNO.
Yes, and weare a dressing, top, and top-gallant, to compare with ere a husband on
'hem all, for a fore-top: it is the vapour of spirit in the wife, to cuckold, now
adaies; as it is the vapour of fashion, in the husband, not to suspect. Your prying
cat-eyed-citizen, is an abominable vapour.
WIN.
Lord, what a foole haue I beene!
WHI.
Mend then, and doe euery ting like a Lady, heereafter, neuer know ty husband, from
another man.
KNO.
Nor any one man from another, but i'the darke.
WHI.
I, and then it ish no dishgrash to know any man.
KNO.
How now? what vapour's there?
VRS.
Alice enters, beating he Iustice's wife. O, you are a sweet Ranger! and looke well to your walks. Yonder is your Punque of Turnbull, Ramping Ales, has falne vpon the poore Gentlewoman within, and pull'd her hood ouer her eares,
and her hayre through it.
OVE.
Helpe, helpe, i'the Kings name.
ALE.
A mischiefe on you, they are such as you are, that vndoe vs, and take our trade from
vs, with your tuft-taffata hanches.
ALE.
The poore common whores can ha' no traffique, for the priuy rich ones; your caps and
hoods of veluet, call away our customers, and lick the fat from vs.
VRS.
Peace you foule ramping Iade, you —
ALE.
Od's foote, you Bawd in greace, are you talking?
ALE.
Thou Sow of Smithfield, thou.
VRS.
Thou tripe of Turnebull.
KNO.
Cat-a-mountaine-vapours! ha!
VRS.
You know where you were taw'd lately, both lash'd, and slash'd you were in Bridewell.
ALE.
I, by the same token, you rid that weeke, and broake out the bottome o'the Cart, Night-tub.
KNO.
VVhy, Lyon face! ha! doe you know who I am? shall I teare ruffe, slit wastcoat, make
ragges of petticoat? ha! goe to, vanish, for feare of vapours. Whit, a kick, Whit, in the parting vapour. Come braue woman, take a good heart, thou shalt be a Lady,
too.
WHI.
Yes fait, dey shal all both be Ladies, and write Madame. I vill do't my selfe for
dem. Doe, is the vord, and D is the middle letter of Madame, D D, put 'hem together, and make deeds, without which, all words are alike, la.
KNO.
'Tis true, Vrsla, take 'hem in, open thy wardrope, and fit 'hem to their calling. Greene-gownes, Crimson-petticoats,
green women! my Lord Maiors green women! guests o'the Game, true bred. I'le prouide
you a Coach, to take the ayre, in.
VVIN.
But doe you thinke you can get one?
KNO.
O, they are as common as wheelebarrowes, where there are great dunghills. Euery Pettifoggers
wife, has 'hem, for first he buyes a Coach, that he may marry, and then hee marries
that hee may be made Cuckold in't: For if their wiues ride not to their Cuckolding,
they doe 'hem no credit. Hide, and be hidden; ride, and be ridden, sayes the vapour
of experience.
ACT. IIIJ. SCENE. VI.
TROBLE-ALL. KNOCKHVM. VVHIT. QVARLOVS. EDGVVORTH. BRISTLE. WASPE. HAGGISE. IVSTICE.
BVSY. PVRE-CRAFT.
BY what warrant do's it say so?
KNO.
Ha! mad child o'the Pye-pouldres, art thou there? fill vs a fresh kan, Vrs, wee may drinke together.
TRO.
I may not drinke without a warrant, Captaine.
KNO.
S'lood, thou'll not stale without a warant, shortly. Whit, Giue mee pen, inke and paper. I'l draw him a warrant presently.
TRO.
It must be Iustice Ouerdoo's?
KNO.
I know, man, Fetch the drinke, Whit.
VVHI.
I pre dee now, be very briefe, Captaine; for de new Ladies stay for dee.
KNO.
O, as briefe as can be, here 'tis already. Adam Ouerdoo.
TRO.
VVhy, now, I'le pledge you, Captaine.
KNO.
Drinke it off. I'll come to thee, anone, againe.
QVA.
Quarlous to the Cut-purse. Well, Sir. You are now discharg'd: beware of being spi'd, hereafter.
EDG.
Sir, will it please you, enter in here, at Vrsla's; and take part of a silken gowne, a veluet petticoate, or a wrought smocke; I am
promis'd such: and I can spare any Gentleman a moity.
QVA.
Keepe it for your companions in beastlinesse, I am none of 'hem, Sir. If I had not
already forgiuen you a greater trespasse, or thought you yet worth my beating, I would
instruct your manners, to whom you made your offers. But goe your wayes, talke not
to me, the hangman is onely fit to discourse with you; the hand of Beadle is too mercifull
a punishment for your Trade of life. I am sorry I employ'd this fellow; for he thinks
me such: Facinus quos inquinat, aequat. But, it was for sport. And would I make it serious, the getting of this Licence
is nothing to me, without other circumstances concurre. I do thinke how impertinently
I labour, if the word bee not mine, that the ragged fellow mark'd: And what aduantage
I haue giuen Ned Win-wife in this time now, of working her, though it be mine. Hee'll go neare to forme to
her what a debauch'd Rascall I am, and fright her out of all good conceipt of me:
I should doe so by him, I am sure, if I had the opportunity. But my hope is in her
temper, yet; and it must needs bee next to despaire, that is grounded on any part
of a woman's discretion. I would giue by my troth, now, all I could spare (to my cloathes,
and my sword) to meete my tatter'd sooth-sayer againe, who was my iudge i'the question, to know certainly whose word he has damn'd
or sau'd. For, till then, I liue but vnder a Repreiue. I must seeke him. Who be these?
WAS.
Sir, you are a welsh Cuckold, and a prating Runt, and no Constable.
Ent Waspe with the officers.
BRI.
You say very well. Come put in his legge in the middle roundell, and let him hole
there.
WAS.
You stinke of leeks, Metheglyn, and cheese. You Rogue.
BRI.
Why, what is that to you, if you sit sweetly in the stocks in the meane time? if you
haue a minde to stinke too, your breeches sit close enough to your bumm. Sit you merry,
Sir.
WAS.
It is no matter, how; pray you looke off.
QVA.
Nay I'll not offend you, Numps. I thought you had sate there to be seen.
WAS.
And to be sold, did you not? pray you mind your businesse, an' you haue any.
QVA.
Cry you mercy, Numps. Do's your leg lie high enough?
BRI.
How now, neighbour Haggise, what sayes Iustice Ouerdo's worship, to the other offenders?
HAG.
Why, hee sayes iust nothing, what should hee say? Or where should he say? He is not
to be found, Man. He ha' not been seen i'the Fayre, here, all this liue-long day, neuer since seuen a clocke i' the morning. His Clearks
know not what to thinke on't. There is no Court of Pie-poulders yet. Heere they be return'd.
BRI.
What shall be done with 'hem, then? in your discretion?
HAG.
I thinke wee were best put 'hem in the stocks, in discretion (there they will be safe
in discretion) for the valour of an houre, or such a thing, till his worship come.
As they open the stockes, Waspe puts his shooe on his hand, and slips it in for his legge.
BRI
It is but a hole matter, if wee doe, Neighbour Haggise, come, Sir, heere is company for you, heaue vp the stocks.
WAS.
I shall put a tricke vpon your welsh diligence, perhaps.
BRI.
Put in your legge, Sir.
QVA.
What, Rabby Busy! is hee come?
BVS.
I doe obey thee, the Lyon may roare, but he cannot bite. I am glad to be thus separated
from the heathen of the land, and put a part in the stocks, for the holy cause.
They bring Busy, and put him in.
BVS.
One that reioyceth in his affliction, and sitteth here to prophesie, the destruction
of Fayres and May-games, Wakes, and Whitson-ales, and doth sigh and groane for the reformation, of these abuses.
WAS.
And doe you sigh, and groane too, or reioyce in your affliction?
IVS.
I doe not feele it, I doe not thinke of it, it is a thing without mee. Adam, thou art aboue these battries, these contumelies. In te manca ruit fortuna, as thy friend Horace saies; thou art one, Quem neque pauperies, neque mors, neque vincula terrent,. And therefore as another friend of thine saies, (I thinke it be thy friend Persius) Non te quaesiueris extra.
QVA.
What's heere! a Stoick i'the stocks? the Foole is turn'd Philosopher.
BVS.
Friend, I will leaue to communicate my spirit with you, if I heare any more of those
superstitious reliques, those lists of Latin, the very rags of Rome, and patches of Poperie.
WAS.
He gets out. Nay, an'you begin to quarrel, Gentlemen, I'll leaue you. I ha' paid for quarrelling
too lately: looke you, a deuice, but shifting in a hand for a foot. God b'w'you.
BVS.
Wilt thou then leaue thy brethren in tribulation?
BVS.
Thou art a halting Neutrall stay him there, stop him: that will not endure the heat of persecution.
BRI.
How now, what's the matter?
BVS.
Hee is fled, he is fled, and dares not sit it out.
BRI.
What, has he made an escape, which way? follow, neighbour Haggise.
PVR.
O me! in the stocks! haue the wicked preuail'd?
BVS.
Peace religious sister, it is my calling, comfort your selfe, an extraordinary calling,
and done for my better standing, my surer standing, hereafter.
TRO.
By whose warrant, by whose warrant, this?
The mad-man enters.
QVA.
O, here's my man! dropt in, I look'd for.
PVR.
O good Sir, they haue set the faithfull, here to be wonder'd at; and prouided holes,
for the holy of the land.
TRO.
Had they warrant for it? shew'd they Iusticce Ouerdoo's hand? if they had no warrant, they shall answer it.
BRI.
Sure you did not locke the stocks sufficiently, neighbour Toby!
HAG.
No! see if you can lock 'hem better.
BRI.
They are very sufficiently lock'd, and truely, yet some thing is in the mater.
TRO.
True, your warrant is the matter that is in question, by what warrant?
BRI.
Mad man, hold your peace, I will put you in his roome else, in the very same hole,
doe you see?
QVA.
How! is hee a mad-man!
TRO.
Shew me Iustice Ouerdoo's warrant. I obey you.
HAG.
You are a mad foole, hold your tongue.
TRO.
In Iustice Ouerdoo's name, I drinke to you, and here's my warrant.
Shewes his Kanne.
IVS.
Alas poore wretch! how it earnes my heart for him!
QVA.
If hee be mad, it is in vaine to question him. I'le try though, friend: there was
a Gentlewoman, shew'd you two names, some houre since, Argalus and Palemon, to marke in a booke, which of 'hem was it you mark'd?
TRO.
I marke no name, but Adam Ouerdoo, that is the name of names, hee onely is the sufficient Magistrate; and that name
I reuerence, shew it mee.
QVA.
This fellowes madde indeede: I am further off, now, then afore.
IVS.
I shall not breath in peace, till I haue made him some amends.
QVA.
Well, I will make another vse of him, is come in my head: I haue a nest of beards
in my Truncke, one some thing like his.
BRI.
This mad foole has made mee that I know not whether I I haue lock'd the stocks or
no, I thinke I lock'd 'hem.
The watch-men come back againe. The mad-man fights with 'hem, and they leaue open the stocks.
TRO.
Take Adam Ouerdoo in your minde, and feare nothing.
BRI.
S'lid, madnesse it selfe, hold thy peace, and take that.
TRO.
Strikest thou without a warrant? take thou that.
BVS.
Wee are deliuered by miracle; fellow in fetters, let vs not refuse the meanes, this
madnesse was of the spirit: The malice of the enemy hath mock'd it selfe.
PVR.
Mad doe they call him! the world is mad in error, but hee is mad in truth: I loue
him o'the sudden, (the cunning man sayd all true) and shall loue him more, and more.
How well it becomes a man to be mad in truth! O, that I might be his yoake-fellow,
and be mad with him, what a many should wee draw to madnesse in truth, with vs!
BRI.
How now! all scap'd? where's the woman? it is witchcraft! Her veluet hat is a witch, o' my conscience, or my key! t'one.
The mad-man was a Diuell, and I am an Asse; so blesse me, my place, and mine office.
The watch missing them are affrighted.